The Hardest Weekend

A Letter from Dad...

Dear Tina and Liz, I know that this weekend is so painful for you both, but once again, I want to encourage you to try to force yourselves to “celebrate” Mommie vs. Mourn her. The more time that goes by, the more I think of her essence…. And that was love, light and happiness….. yes with great sadness, but also with so much love…. as you do. She was great. She was a gift… She was here with and for us for a number of years that were not enough…. But that is true of all good things…. There can never be enough of a good thing…… Today and always I will try to love the time we had and try not to think that it wasn’t enough…. I know it’s hard… I love you both with all my heart and feel so blessed that Mommie gave me the gifts that are you.   I wish you both a very great year with great health, happiness, new adventures and all the love that you deserve. PEACE, Dad

New Year's Eve, 2004

Liz’s reflections

December 31, 2004

 I went into Mom’s room this morning to say goodbye, though I know goodbye means nothing but “Welcome...you are reborn”... in the scope of eternity.

I left Aunty Karen’s bible by the bedside. I told mom that Tina and Shelly and I are strong enough - not only to live on, but to live on with joy-filled hearts - in the pursuit of fulfilling our highest and deepest dreams. I told her it was okay to let go...that our only wish now was for her wholeness and freedom.

I told her...

That when I used to dream about swimming with whales a lot, the most prominent of those dreams revealed me as a killer whale calf...cavorting with the most graceful strides next to a giant and exquisite mother whale. I felt every inch of her smooth, strong body. My physical presence in that environment was tangible. I knew this matriarch with profound familiarity; in fact I had known her forever, and knew her completely. 

I was so very safe in her embrace. Even without the vehicle of arms, hands, and fingers with which to hold on, she managed to envelop me perfectly and absolutely within her gargantuan spirit. Intertwined, we moved together through seamless lifetimes, rolling over and over like the tides, across endless landscapes and beyond all perceived horizons. 

And like the ocean... is heaven. Both are defined by the all-powerful force of ebb and flow. Inhale and exhale. Death and rebirth. 

I told mom that I believe those whales in my dreams were the two of us. That “someday”, in a place where time doesn’t exist, and life and death are as easily accepted and honored as our every breath, mom and I would be together again in the flesh. I told her that the night of July 5, 1998, when mom and I were visited by a pod of thirty killer whales off the south shore of San Juan Island, was the best day of my life. I know now that both those dreams - and that day - will be the best of my entire existence, material or immaterial. Because they represent both the beginning and end of time in the instant of my origin, as I was born of my mom’s body and spirit. It defines the fundamental breath I share with my mom, which will never expire, but only evolve.

Mom and I will exist together forever in that moment. And because of our joint liver surgery, into eternity, mom takes with her a part of my own flesh. From her belly, I was birthed. And out of mine, she was given a little more time. We gave one another life. Physical LIFE.

* * *

Literally the INSTANT I arrived at the hospital with my sisters, and entered her room (for what I knew would be the last time), at approximately 11:35pm on New Year’s Eve, mom’s body let her spirit go. Up she ascended, and out she expanded, and off she soared into the depths of a blue heaven we will not know until we have earned it ourselves.

Mom lost her own mother on the same night exactly 23 years ago – New Year’s Eve, 1981. My Grandmother was 58 years old when she passed. Mom was 57.

Nothing is real tonight. Our minds protect themselves, because if the reality of this grief were to come all at once – more, even, than one miniscule particle at a time - we would surely drown in it.

In this moment, I feel at peace. My heart tells me that tonight, my mom lived -and died - through the grandest of all spiritual experiences. From that place, I feel her swishing with ease through the sacred waters of time, continuing on in her passage. I see her embracing her own mother, and her sister Karen. She will soar always with the ease of anti-gravity on the swells of our prayers for her.

Mom is frolicking with her band of beloved angels now.

Like the crested caps of whipping waves, underneath which whales live, love and play…she too is dancing.

J.R...In The Arms of My Beloved

Christmas Morning, 2004

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!

We were given quite a gift this morning...we were praying around mom's bedside, when lo and behold, angels arrived in the flesh, held our hands, and joined in the circle to accompany us.

Dad, Aimee, Micah, Tina and I went into mom's room this morning around 10:00am. (we) opened the gifts we had brought for her...which included a beautiful fleece blanket from Aimee, Dad, and Hannah (hand-made), with colorful kitties on it...a CD from Micah, which he recorded playing all instruments people have given to him over the years...one of which was a shaker that mom made for him at one point...a framed picture (from me) of me and mom side by side in our hospital beds and matching gowns, taken just prior to surgery...some antique angel cards from Tina...and from our Papa (Mom's daddy) and Grandma Judith in Dallas...a book about 'quantum healing', (which we will all study up on and use), and a lovely crystal angel into which they have been channeling all of their prayers for mom. Although i know mom loved the gifts, her affect was flat. She just looked completely wiped out. As always these days, she was silent, in and out of sleep. Halfway in this world and halfway beyond.

We stood around the bed and held hands. Dad led us in the Lord's Prayer, which he actually sang. Then he led us and mom through a meditative visualization about healing white light flooding mom's body from her head to her toes...we tried our hardest to keep our composure, but the energy in the room was solemn, to say the least. Both my and Tina's hearts were heavy...laden with childhood memories of our exciting Christmas mornings with mom and dad...missing those...just feeling so profoundly sad.

Then...dad (who was facing the window out into the hallway) kind of lit up...and he said "well, look who's here!" I turned around to see Trevor, Bishop Mosely, and Minister Alvin...a band of angels who had come to brighten our morning, and remind us of the true reason for the season. Every spirit in the room lifted. Mom's face flooded with light and life.


Trevor was a beautiful, loving woman, who had worked with my Dad (something like) twenty years ago; and whom he had just "run into out of nowhere" about a week before Christmas. She had known and loved my Mom, so when she learned of Mom's condition, she wanted to come to the hospital and visit. And so here she was, unannounced, with several members of her spiritual family. They came out of the goodness of their hearts, just to be with us, to bring us comfort and joy, and to pray with us...for Mom. Although, to the "naked eye", Mom's demeanor didn't appear all that different...the ENERGY in the room changed drastically. And the way Mom looked up at these wonderful friends, as they sang and summoned the divine, was undeniable. There was joy in her eyes; and it was POWERFUL.

Minister Alvin sang a gorgeous gospel song in a gentle bass voice...we all held hands in a circle around mom, with the faith healers on mom's "good side" (a.k.a. her right side, to which she leans and turns her head). Trevor stroked mom's hair and whispered to her... "Jennie, we've got work to do...you and me". Bishop Mosely then offered a powerful prayer. And then Trevor, with tears streaming down her cheeks, praised the lord for hearing our prayers.

Minister Alvin reminded god of his own word: he said that because they, in this life, are speaking his word, his word will prove itself true with us as witnesses. He said, "Before we summon gifts from you, God, first we want to thank you...thank you for helping Jennie to wake up this morning...thank you for helping the family to stand, and keep up their strength and faith...thank you god for healing your daughter, geneva, for she is one of your precious children...one of your earthly gems...and god, we know your daughter geneva is already healed, because we never thank you for something you haven't done yet!"

Bishop Mosely, Trevor, and Minister Alvin sang more gospel songs, all the time laying hands on mom's body. My favorite of the songs went something like this: "Jesus' line is never busy...you just call Him up, and tell him what you want...just call him, and tell him what you want". Another song (I was trying so hard to retain the lyrics, but most have drifted away by now) that Minister Alvin sang spoke about God healing his broken vessel...and that god and his angels (including the group of us) will be a living sanctuary for mom as she heals.

We explained to the band of healers that mom is the greatest and truest example of someone who not just speaks...but lives...the word and light of god. Dad said, "Jennie has been a light of peace and hope for so many...and that now all of the light that she's given is coming back for her in her greatest time of struggle and need. Her own love for god will carry her through this.

Mom has instilled so strongly in us, a faith in god and his angels. I believe that Bishop Mosely, Trevor, and all of their friends in the ministry are these angels that mom has always believed in...in the flesh...a testament to their reality and power. And when mom is healed, she will join the band of earth-bound angels, herself a testament of the most spectacular kind! Her miracle will give others the strength to continue on, even in the most grim and dire of circumstances. She already reminds us that god is working in ways that surpass our comprehension. And as Micah's mom, Linda, reminded me last night...the miracle is already happening.

Trevor, Bishop Mosely and Minister Alvin told us they loved us, and they told mom how they love her...and that they will be back, and back again.

What an amazing gift it was to be visited by angels on Christmas morning.

From our family to all of you and yours...we love you and wish you a beautiful Christmas day!

Liz

Leonard the Lively Liver

J.R....Christmas With Friends

J.R...Simple Pleasures

J.R....Rat Aerobics

J.R...The Best Mouse I Can Be

J.R. in...Things I Like

J.R...December 10, 2011

In honor of the total lunar eclipse coming up in a few hours...

J.R., The Traveling Weird Mouse...by Jennie

My Mom's unique sense of humor, quirky-awesome style, fantastic sense of wonder and loving sensibilities shined through in everything she did. She sang, wrote music, played many instruments, drew, wrote stories, plays and poetry; she DANCED and danced and danced. She cooked, baked, ran a daycare, worked in telecommunications, studied and practiced reflexology, sewed, decorated, volunteered in countless organizations, and made everyone laugh, and see beauty in themselves they may have otherwise had trouble recognizing. As a parent, a mother, a soul mate and a best friend - there are no words to describe her magic. In every way, and through the medium of anything and everything she touched, my Mom CREATED and COMMUNICATED...LOVE. One of her many ongoing creative projects was a COMIC STRIP, about a little "weird mouse" named J.R. I have resurrected copies of over twenty of her J.R. comic strips; I've added color to them, and will post them here on her blog. ENJOY, and feel the love!

Mom's WeiRd Doodle Art

Jennie Brumm

Photos by my Grandfather, Leo Arthur Brumm

Intrepid Warrior